Men first come to counselling with me for all sorts of reasons, but one that I hear over and over is that they are running into difficulty in their primary relationships. It seems that a lot of people struggle through their individual problems with anxiety or depression, ADHD and trauma without seeking help … until these difficulties begin to impact their relationships. The relationships that once provided a bright spot or a haven in their lives start to come under pressure. Friendship, love, sex, stability, all feel under threat. The men who contact me are seeing their personal struggles have an impact on the most important others in their lives. The ways they think, feel and behave are causing trouble in the parts of their lives they care about most. They have a hard time being present with their partners, becoming irritable and distant. They get caught up in distractions or addictive behaviour, or work. They try to communicate better, but are very often reactive and struggle to regulate their emotions, words, and behaviour.
mental health is personal, and interpersonal
In counselling sessions, we often talk about ways to communicate better, how to resolve disagreements and upsets, how to be more empathetic, how to have clearer boundaries. And we dig into the factors that underlie what’s going wrong in your relationships (as well what’s going right!) There’s often a kind of back and forth between the personal, rooted in your history (and biology), and the interpersonal, the patterns or “dance” that you and your partner may have fallen into and keep repeating. Sometimes couples are doing couple counselling as well with another therapist, but often not. Either way, the self-understanding and compassion that you can achieve in therapy will give you a much better chance of repairing, building and maintaining satisfying relationships.
For most people, good relationships play a big part in good mental and emotional health. It’s true the other way round as well; individual groundedness and emotional regulation contribute greatly to happy relationships. In the work I do with men, I’m always hoping to promote both personal and interpersonal good health. If that’s something you’d like for yourself, let’s talk.