Counselling for Adult ADHD: Untangling Depression, Anxiety, and Relationships

I work with a lot of men with ADHD. When I first set out in private practice, I didn’t market specifically to men with ADHD. They just showed up, often describing symptoms of depression, anxiety, and difficult relationships. Some had already been diagnosed with ADHD, as children or adults, and were aware it was part of the problem. Others had begun to wonder, especially as the reality of adult ADHD (not just ADHD in children) has become more widely understood. Sometimes I’ve initiated discussions about ADHD as a possibility, and pointed people towards getting assessed.

Diagnosis and medication can bring great relief, and for some is profoundly life-changing. And there’s often still lots going on that therapy can help a person understand and heal. After all, you may have spent years hearing, and believing, that you’re “lazy,” “disorganized,” or “not living up to your potential.” And a life time of ADHD, especially when it’s not been diagnosed or adequately treated, can leave a trail of problems in its wake, affecting your career, your self-worth and your relationships.

ADHD contributes to distraction, restlessness, and difficulty with time management and following through on goals. It can also bring intense emotional ups and downs, and constant feelings of stress and overwhelm. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, shame, and depression. The pressure of trying valiantly to keep it together, to succeed at work or in relationships, of “masking” and self-doubt, often leads to new difficulties.

I hear frequently from my clients how these challenges show up in many areas of life – not just at school or work, but in relationships too. Many of my clients describe ongoing conflict with partners, or feeling like they’re “too much” or “not enough.” Trouble with emotional regulation, impulsivity, forgetfulness, and zoning out during important conversations or daily tasks can create tension, distance, and fighting, and can mess with your sex life too.

To cope, many men turn to “maladaptive” strategies: they might overwork themselves trying to prove their worth, rely on alcohol or cannabis to manage stress, withdraw emotionally, or get stuck in avoidance patterns like excessive gaming, scrolling or porn use. These behaviours can offer short-term relief, but often deepen the sense of isolation and shame.

I work with men to break out of these loops. Together, we untangle how ADHD, alongside other factors, has shaped their sense of identity, and contributed to anxiety, depression, and unhappy relationships. I’ll work with you to develop kinder ways of treating yourself and healthier ways of coping and communicating, and find practical strategies to support focus, follow-through, and emotional balance.

Counselling is an opportunity to stop blaming yourself, which usually makes things worse, and start understanding yourself, which can help you navigate life with greater ease, confidence, and connection.

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I highly recommend Ari Tuckman’s books More Attention, Less Deficit: Success Strategies for Adults with ADHD and ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationships.

Counselling for Men in Manitoba, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Plus

I am now offering online counselling to men in Manitoba, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Yukon, Northwest Territory, and Nunavut, as well as BC.

One of the great things about online counselling is that we don’t have to be in the same location to meet. However, different provinces and territories have different regulations around the practice of counselling and until recently I’ve stuck for the most part to my home province of British Columbia. But now, with the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors (the regulating body I’m a member of) providing clear guidelines on working with people outside of BC, I have extended my geographical reach.

Until now I’ve worked with men from all over BC, including Vancouver, Victoria, Nanaimo, Vernon, Kamloops, Williams Lake, Haida Gwai, and beyond. I’m looking forward to welcoming more clients from Winnipeg, Calgary, Edmonton, Regina, Saskatoon and more!

The men I work with often reach out when they are experiencing anxiety, depression, anger or addiction. You may be unhappy in your work or your relationships, and likely struggle with a harsh internal critic. Perhaps you’ve realized that events in the past continue to impact you and are preventing you from living the way you want to.

Perhaps you have suffered childhood trauma, including physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Even “mild” dysfunction in families can deeply affect a child’s sense of worth into adulthood. Some of the men I work with have also had traumatizing experiences as teens and younger adults, involving family break-up, discrimination, bullying, the loss of loved ones, or their own physical and mental health. If any of this sounds like you, counselling can help.

Check out this post to find out more advantages of online counselling. My experience working online with hundreds of men over the last few years has convinced me of what a whole lot of research confirms, that this mode of counselling is extremely effective as well as being practical and convenient.

If you’d like to meet, get in touch.

Cognitive Distortions: Step One

I often have conversations with clients about distinguishing thoughts and feelings. People often use phrases like “I feel like …” or “It feels like …” a lot. They will say something like “I feel like I’m a failure,” or “I feel like it’s all my fault,” or “It feels like everyone is judging me.” It’s a common way of speaking. But usually what follows “I feel like …” or “It feels like …” (or “I feel that …” ) is actually not a feeling, but a thought. Yes, there’s often a feeling involved, tangled up with the thought (it’s often a negative, unhappy feeling, and sometimes paralyzing or overwhelming). But “I’m a failure,” or “It’s all my fault,” or “Everyone is judging me” in themselves are just thoughts.

Why does this distinction matter? Well, if you can see a thought for what it is, you can challenge it, and that can change how you feel and what you do. When thoughts are wrapped up in feeling language, they’re harder to spot. Sometimes misplaced feeling language even gives them a kind of sanctity, a special power. “That’s just how I feel,” we say, and the thought goes unquestioned and becomes more and more entrenched, as do the accompanying emotions and behaviours. We accept as truth beliefs that are often inaccurate, unrealistic, unbalanced. This can lead to all sorts of misery. In the language of CBT these thoughts are cognitive distortions and they tend to fall into a number of clearly identifiable categories (for example, catastrophizing, globalizing, mind reading, personalization, labelling). There’s a useful list of them here; and this post from a few weeks ago focuses on one of them.

If you start identifying thoughts as thoughts, you can get some perspective on them. You can ask yourself, “Is this thought true / realistic / balanced? Or am I thinking in some kind of distorted way?” As you begin to think more clearly, that will affect how you feel, and will give you more options in how you act towards yourself and with others. A lot of the time, the language of feeling hides a thought. Step One is to identify the thought; then you can challenge it.

If you want support untangling and taking charge of your thoughts and feelings, get in touch.